Damage
by FufuRocks
Summary: Shepard survived the Reapers...But can she survive another heart break? The council picks up the pieces and heals her flesh wounds while her mind goes through her life from when her colony and parents were killed till the moment she had lost her father figure. Will she lose the love of her life as well? GarrusXShepard, Sheparian, BioWare owns Mass Effect.
1. Chapter 1 - Awakening

_Hey!_

_I'm a big fan of Mass Effect 1-3, played the games so many times I know them by hand,_  
_Been wanting to write a fic for a long time by favorite pair_  
_I'll have to admit, when I first found out about Garrus being able to be a love interest I was taken aback, but it drew me in, and I guess it was the same for Shepard._

_All rights belong to BioWare, and I applaud to them for this amazing game_

_Hope you'll like it, let me know what you think =)_

_#_

**Chapter 1 - Awakening **

A gasp broke the silence, it hurt…It hurt every part of her body, as she inhaled her throat felt like it caught on fire, the cold air pushing down, forcing to the lungs and filling them, and it hurt…Fuck it hurt, her eyes teared as she looked up in between the ruins, they were on her, pressing her tightly to the floor, her chest free as she was able to breathe in, she could feel blood trickle down her temple, down to the cheek and into the suit as it went over her neck, she shakily let out the breath she had taken and it felt like her body was crushing into itself, with agony and pain

Bright eyes were scanning the area, which was no use as her eye sight was blurry, feeling helpless…she hated it, she hated it and it made anger bubble at the pit of her stomach, but she knew she'll make more damage than any good if she moved

The silence was eating into her mind, licking her lips shakily; she felt the dry skin, mixed with blood and sweat…probably tears. She slowly digested what had happened, and it took all she had in her to choose the fate of the galaxy, stepping right into the red orb and shoots it straight to hell before it shattered on her "Fuck…" her voice raspy and low, she knew the consequences and now she was going to die with it

She had killed millions, syntactic or not, she had ended their lives, decided their fait and it drilled into her head like a torture as she remembered Legion, her promise…her words to the geth…EDI…God she hoped…She hoped…

As she breathed again it wasn't as smooth, coughing blood as the air stimulated her air pipes, the burning making her itch inside out, she knitted her eyebrows and groaned as her ribs were completely wrecked and her legs felt numb under the weight

'Shepard' she thought to herself 'fucking saint of the galaxy…' bitter 'and now you're left here to rot, in your own blood, in the most lonely place…'

She was completely exposed to the galaxy, watching wryly, first sit in the house…that's what they'd said…when Anderson and her sat there…expecting death…

Grief took over her as she bit her full bottom lip and knitted her eyebrows, tears rolled down her cheeks as she cursed, Anderson, who was like a father to her…who's last words were that he was proud of her…'I'm proud of you, kid' she could still hear it echo in her head, she clenched her hands tight, one arm trapped under the ruins as one was loose "Fuck" she cursed again with agony as her voice was shaky

Shepard's thoughts drifted, and she tried not to focus on anything, tried to stay blank, tried to just….Die, can't that even be fucking easy? But when it came to her, nothing was really easy.

It felt like hours, in between she'd pass out, her mind taking her places she didn't want to go, she didn't want to see or think, for the first time she wanted to be ignorant.  
after drifting off she woke up, startled, screaming, her throat throbbing, making her clench her hands tight as her body stiffened with pain, her heart speeding and throbbing hard in her chest as her mind ran the dream again in her head;

Loud music, people were dancing, laughing…Touching each other, as if there was no war, no threat…It was over, they could rest. A drink in her hand, she looked around as she sipped from her glass of whiskey, knitting her eyebrows as it didn't burn the usual way she remembered…Actually, it didn't burn at all. tucking a few soft strands behind her ear as she looked down her feet, boots, an armor, she didn't fit, she was odd to the scenario as everyone were dressed with what seemed their best clothes, eyeing her hand as she held the glass and didn't notice as someone sat and made himself comfortable in front of her.

"Staring your drink to death, Shepard?" The low voice went through her like hot water and a small exhale, shaky and weak came out of her parted lips as her blue bright eyes focused on "Garrus…" she said softly…shaking her head slowly she knitted her eyebrows, anxiety started to rise up, this…It couldn't be, she realized now where she was.

Garrus eyed her closely, putting his hand on the bar, his armor completely ruined, damaged, fresh out of battle…He didn't fit either, them both weren't "You don't seem happy to see me up here" he said softly, watching her….Taking her in with those goddamn blue…Amazing eyes, and it made her heart break, it made it shatter, if nothing had by now…

Shepard shook her head "No" she demanded "You're not dead yet, you can't be" she eyed him through glossy eyes, her vision blurry "I pushed your ass out of the way when that tank almost buried you into the fucking ground!" she argued

"Shepard" Garrus eyed her with a stern gaze, trying to gain her attention "We did agree to meet up at the bar" he reminded her

"Don't…" she shook her head and slammed the glass into the bar, breaking it with force as she was shaking with anger, he couldn't be here…What a fucking failure, she wasn't even able to save him…Him

"Jane" Garrus snapped and grabbed her bleeding hand tight with his own three-talon hand, he squeezed it tight till it hurt, but she felt as if a pulse was sent through his touch and straight into her heart, making her unconscious body arch

Their eyes locked and tears rolled down her cheeks, the music was dull now, the dancers disappeared…the bartender also, and there was only him

"I'm sorry…." She said softly, her heart hammering in her chest, pain taking over her whole body as she held tight onto his hand

"There's no Shepard without Vakarian" Garrus reminded her as he pulled her close, pressing his lips to her cheeks as he gathered her salty tears, each touch of his plates on her skin sent more pulses through her body, straight to the heart. It translated to her unconscious body that was left on what was left off the citadel, it rocked and arched at the touch, like electricity to her heart, and it made her slip, knowing she'd wake up soon…She didn't want to go

"Stop" she pleaded and held tight onto him "Just stop" she pleaded again as she buried her face in his neck and a choked sob was let out "Don't leave me…" she pleaded "I don't want to be alone…" she rambled "Garrus…." She whispered his name like a prayer

As she said that, the Turian wrapped his arms around her body and held her close "You've built a career of doing the impossible…" he soothed her

She realized…Those things he said, they'd been said by many throughout her life…This…Was a fantasy…One last fantasy…and it hurt because this wasn't Garrus, not really. She pulled away, watching him with glossy eyes, slightly red nose and bruised full lips from the abuse of biting them to stop the sobs, she slowly smiled and nodded, cupping his cheeks, one scarred and the other not, Wanting to fee him with bare skin she slowly pulled off her gloves…And as she touched him a cry tore through her throat as she snapped out of the dream

Her throat throbbed…Her eyes were sore and her head was killing her…It was only a matter of time till she'd fade off, no food…No water, no Medi-gel, unable to recover fully, even with the cybernetics Cerberus had given her…Too much blood was lost…and she wondered when, when will it end?

Again, she had faded away, dreams concluding her teammates, friends and foes…But Garrus was no more, he wasn't there, her rock…Her best friend, he didn't come to visit her in her last hours anymore…

When she opened her eyes again, she wasn't able to move any longer, barely breath, the galaxy looked the same, beautiful and dreading, mocking her as she was stock in that view, alone…

She squinted her eyes as a light passed her sight and she didn't even bother to think of the possibilities of what that was, her eyes half lidded, she was ready…god, she was ready…Just fucking do it…she pleaded

Again, the light passed and along came more, she knitted her eyebrows…Was it happening? Were they right about the bright light? Fuck…That was hysterical…

They light was now coming closer, bright and annoying, taking it's sweet fucking time, she gathered all she had to finally yelled with a raspy, broken voice "Just fucking do it!" she snapped, and then the light was completely focus on her and blinded her sight.

_#Garrus#_

Waking up with a loud gasp, Garrus was panting as his hands twisted in the sheets, mandibles twitching as he tried to calm down, looking over the empty bed, he could still smell her on the sheets. He angrily got up, it was driving him crazy, where was she? He knew she made it…She stopped the Reapers, they dropped like flies after that insane wave of red, but they weren't fast enough and the Normandy was caught into it, which sent the ship crashing into an unknown planet, and now they were stuck.

He was uneasy, he needed her, he needed to hold her and keep her safe, and when he was so far it felt like he was going bit by bit crazy.

Unable to sleep or eat, he was cranky and he knew the crew was walking on eggshells around him, but he didn't care, he'd go and demand them to work harder, faster, to get to her, to get things moving.

When they crash landed, They gathered in front of that wall -The wall where they hung the names of the heroes that had fallen for the cause, his eyes scanned Anderson's name as it was hung there by Liara, and he knew he was next; holding his lover's name in his hands, he eyed her name as everyone were waiting and he shook his head "She's…She's not dead…" he whispered, still shaken, still…Agonized by pain, by how she had ordered him to go, to leave…Saving them all as she cleared them from the field and ran into that beam. His mandibles stiffened and held tight onto her name, holding it to his chest "I'm not hanging it on the wall"

"Garrus…" Liara said softly and touched his arm, trying to sooth him, trying to be there for him, them all a wreck, them all couldn't believe she was gone…But the cold hard truth was that the citadel was completely ruined

"No" Garrus demanded "Her name doesn't belong there" he growled at her, and then at the other's as they eyed him with pity, and he hated it, he fucking hated it. He stormed out of the Normandy, unable to stand it

As he walked out he inhaled deep, the air clean…Fresh, and it seemed like fate was mocking him as the place was exactly like the one they had talked about before they had gone to the last suicide mission down at London; he suggested to her that after all the hell they'd gone through they'll go somewhere tropical, make her domestic and raise babies, Krogan babies…and all she did was laugh, the smile didn't' reach her eyes and he could tell she was terrified, so he went on…promising her that if they won't make it they'll meet up there, at the bar, then they had kissed and held each other for the last time…he shook his head and shut his eyes as his heart ached, the need to hold her…His hands, his body, it needed her, to feel her. And it hurt, it hurt not having her here – there's no Shepard without Vakarian…God, it was so true it burnt into his body, his mind taking him dark places with grief.

He swallowed hard and looked down at the name tag, his bright eyes tired, hurt "I'm coming for you" he assured her, slowly looking up at the sky, hoping they'd take off of here soon.

But it didn't happen, they'd been here for what seemed weeks, Tali already kicked him out a few times from the engine room, claiming he was a nag, Liara politely excused herself whenever he tried to dig for results…Even EDI brushed him off a few times by claiming she had glitches as a result from the crash.

He was impatient, trapped…He hated it, and he needed out soon.

_#Shepard#_

How did she get here; to this position?

So much was dependent on her; it was so heavy to carry

It felt like her chest was being crushed with the responsibility that was dropped on her, countless of lives hoped she'd succeed, each time she went out there and gave her whole, nothing mattered but them, her needs were last, everyone came first…

When she was young, sixteen in fact, the colony she was born at and grew up in; Mindoir was attacked by slavers, all of her family, her friends…She watched how they slaughtered them, took away all she had known and made it disappear in a matter of minutes. To her luck an Alliance patrol saved her.

They took her in, she had met Anderson then, he was…Always so warm to her, still distant enough to be considered her superior but he cared, and she owed him so much, cause without him she'd been lost and never joined the Alliance.

She wanted to make him proud, joining the N7 and actually graduating, she never believed but he did, he told her he knew she could do it.

And then they were sent to Akuze, and it was hell.  
So many had lost their lives, the mission went down and a lot of soldiers haven't returned.

They called her a war hero, but she was not, all she did was throw all she had into it, she had nothing to lose, she knew those men and women had families to go back to while she had nothing, she owed it to them, she owed it to her friends and family, the people that lived on Mindoir, she just went berserk and managed to stay alive.

That all led to how she was signed up to the Normandy SR-1, a human ship designed by Turian technology.


	2. Chapter 2 - How it all begun

_Hello again everyone, _

_Thanks for whoever read and the ones that liked my story enough to favor it or/and follow,_

_This is the second chapter, I very much hope you like it!_

_If there's anyone that want to assist me with grammar and such I'd be grateful!_

_BioWare owns this amazing game._

_Hope you enjoy!_

#

Shepard could barely keep up with the events, from the moment she had stepped onto the SR-1 and to defeating Saren; she actually managed to survive the war on the citadel.

She had collected an amazing crew, she got close to the aliens on the ship and it surprised her how well she had gotten along with Wrex, Tali and Liara; they were special to her.

But the one that stood out the most was Garrus, everytime she needed to talk she'd go down to him, they weren't that close to spill each other's hearts out but he managed to distract her. Telling her about his family, C-Sec, and how he had decided just to leave everything and go after her; he believed in her. He fascinated her, each time he spoke his voice ran like silk over her skin, calming her down and taking him in, she pushed it away,' it was nothing' she told herself.  
It surprised her, she was supposed to go to Kaidan, to the one she had chosen, the one she gave herself to before they went down to fight the citadel back. Deep inside she knew Kaidan wasn't for her, and after losing Ashley she might have been too rash to get him into her bed, fear and anxiety controlled her that night that she didn't even enjoy it. But what was done was done.

After the mission was over the ship was meant to be an all-human ship once again, she hated that idea but she had no say in it. Each stop of the Normandy meant another was leaving, Wrex went back to Tachunka with a vision, he proudly announced that he was going to change things down at the Krogam homeworld, clapping her back and almost breaking it before they bid their goodbyes.

The second one was Tali, she went back to the flotilla, and even though she couldn't see her face she knew the other was on the verge of tears, if Quarians could cry. Shepard hugged her tight, she was a good kid, and she was glad she could help her with her pilgrimage. Wishing her the best before she watched her leave.

Next was Liara, she smiled at her and grabbed her blue hand "Hey, this isn't goodbye" Shepard assured her, she knew the other woman had…Feelings for her, but this wasn't the case, she could read her like an open book, that's what she loved about Liara, there was no bullshit; She'll miss her "Keep in touch" she demanded before Liara nodded and longed at her; hugged her tight, startling Shepard and making her laugh before she hugged her back. And god knows where she went to, that Asari was trouble.

And last…Was Garrus, they had stopped in the citadel and she went down as he packed his gear "The mako will miss you" she said with a smile, pushing her growing hair back as she watched him

Garrus looked up and chuckled "I bet" he said as his bright eyes eyed her "After abusing it each time you took it to the ground? Who's going to baby it now?"

Shepard knitted her eyebrows "Are you saying that I can't drive?" she asked slowly as he pulled the strap of his bag over his shoulder

"Now Shepard, that was all you saying" Garrus taunted her as he always did, he came closer and cleared his throat "So, I won the honor of the commander herself leading me up to the airlock?" he looked down at her, making her tilt her head back to look up at him "Bet the others would be jealous" he said with a Turian smile

Shepard pushed at his arm "Stop being a dick about it, Vakarian" she muttered and walked into the elevator "You know, I'm going to miss our talks on the elevators, especially when you and Tali would complain about food"

"Those talks? They were subtle hints for you to take better care of your new crewmates" Garrus said innocently "The food, sorry, pastes; were bad" he said with a low voice as they reached the main level of the Normandy, the crew bidding their goodbyes to Garrus all the way to the airlock.

"So…" Garrus eyed his commander, though…She wasn't his commander anymore "Is this where we say goodbye? Shake hands? I don't know what human customs are" he mocked her again

"Are you going to be serious, for once?" Shepard asked with a smile as she wanted to stall him, not wanting him to leave, and it translated to her body as a knot at the pit of her stomach "Remember, next time I'm on the citadel I'm gonna drink you under the bar" she assured him

"Oh, Yeah, I'd like to see that" Garrus said as his mandibles twitched with amusement and he took her hand, slowly feeling it and shaking it slowly "It was an honor…Shepard"

Shepard inhaled deep as he took her hand and whispered her name, nodding as she squeezed his hand slowly "Mine to" she whispered as their eyes locked "Try not to kill yourself out there" the air lock opened then

Garrus eyed her "Shouldn't I be saying the same thing to you?" staying like that for a long moment he slowly let her hand go "Don't be a stranger, Shepard" he half warned

"I won't…." she watched him get off the ship, watching his back and it made her swallow bitterly "Goodbye, Garrus" she said softly before the air lock slowly lowered, their eyes met till their vision of each other was blocked.

_#A few days later#_

Shepard knitted her eyebrows and pushed Kaidan away slowly, wiping her lips as she turned away but he chased her, trying to kiss her again "Kaidan, Stop" she whispered and pulled away completely and getting off of the bed, pushing her hair back as she stepped closer to the window, only in her underwear, palming her face as everything felt…Wrong.

Kaidan watched her back "Did I do anything wrong?" he asked softly from the bed, Shepard had been distant since they had let the aliens go. He wondered if it was that affecting her or maybe what they had was a passing thing and it made him desperate, he knew he was pushing her, but he loved her, wanted her to be his and not a fading moment at war.

Shepard shook her head and sighed "Of course not" and she knew that if she'd look back he'd have a miserable look on his face and she couldn't…Didn't want to. She walked up to her cabinet and pulled out a bottle of whiskey, pouring herself a glass "Want one?" she asked as her back was facing him, already knowing the answer.

"I don't drink Shepard" Kaidan said, and she knew he was watching her, judging her for loosening up a bit, fuck him…She was a human, she deserved some relaxation and something other than work, anything that made her mind forget about how weird the ship felt without them, without **him**.  
Downing the glass in one go she poured another one, he came behind her then, feeling his chest against her bare back, she couldn't deny she was attracted to his body…Maybe this was just a let out…She needed it, knowing he was head over hills in love with her and that she'd hurt him, but there was no going back now, she might enjoy it while she can or as much as she can.

Kaidan grabbed the second glass before she could knock it back, making her inhale deep with the need to smack him, anger running through her veins, he pressed against her, making her clench her jaw as he kissed down her neck and his arms circled her, his hands caressing down from her collarbones to her breasts, making her inhale before she turned around in his arms and pushed him onto the bed.

Shepard slowly climbed on top of him, they would never had it any other way, to her, Kaidan was weak, he could never handle her really, he was soft and over sensitive, some ladies dig that, but to her it was a weakness, he was needy and it only made her angry.

Her mind was elsewhere as she tried to get into it, her thoughts running miles before it locked on Garrus, missing him, needing him…She wanted to hear his voice, she thought as she kissed Kaidan's neck, the other moaning and she wondered what it would be like if she'll do the same to the Turian.

At that point she slowly got more heated, her mind forming a fantasy as her body was with Kaidan's, eventually she rolled off and pushed her hair back and away from her eyes, panting as she tried to catch her breath, not meeting the other's gaze as she stared at the ceiling. Fuck.

#

It has been a few months after they had returned to an all-human-crew state, the ship still felt empty and tasteless, it was missing them.

Their mission was to locate Geth and ambush them, clean up the galaxy. Shepard knew that they were making her do this only to shut her up about the Reapers and keep her busy.

Another day started off, with Kaidan getting on her nerves the moment they had woken up.

"Excuse me?" Shepared asked as she thought she was hearing him wrong, holding a cup of coffee in her hand

"I'm just suggesting, Maybe keeping in touch with them makes it harder on you" Kaidan reasoned,

Shepard knew that Kaidan once read a few letters between her and Garrus, the other man sensing their chemistry. He was lucky she didn't blow his head up for nosing into her things

Unable to take any more of his bullshit, she downed her cup of coffee "Whatever Kaidan, leave my quarters and go get ready, we have work to do" she said coldly, knowing this romance was nearing the end

She liked Kaiidan as a man, as a friend, but god he was driving her crazy as more, he was needy and nosey…And the sex, which was barely any, went on smoothly only when she worked her imagination

Walking into the bathroom she locked the door, watching herself in the mirror with bright eyes, her dark, straight hair reaching her shoulders, she knew that all she was thinking about the other man was wrong and mean…God, he was a good man, just not for her, she should end things soon.

Walking into the shower and washing herself from last night she decided that after they'll come back from the mission she'll tell him she rather be friends than whatever she considered them to be now.

Kaidan wasn't there when she walked out of the shower, sighing with relief she took her time getting dressed, pushing her wet hair back as she got a call from the computer she knitted her eyebrows and her heart skipped a beat before she sat down, grinning "Garrus" her voice light

Shepard could tell he was a bit startled from her excitement as his eyes were a bit wider and his mandibles twitched, before the expression melted into an amused one "Were you waiting there for the whole time?"

"Don't flatter yourself, Vakarian" Shepard smirked and eyed him, her heart racing "How's the Specter training?"

"Dreading, tiring, boring…" Garrus said lowly "You can tell I'm having fun"

Shepard laughed and shook her head "Better be at the top of the class or the Normandy for you is a no go" she taunted

"Shepard, we both know you'll have me back, even if I'll lose some limbs here in that" Garrus assured her

Shepard smiled "You're very confident, Vakarian" she whispered as she eyed him close, but he was right, she would

"How are things up there?" Garrus asked as he leaned back over the wall as he was in his own quarters, eyeing his omni-tool "Going somewhere?" he asked as he noticed her armor

"We found another Geth base; going to take it down" Shepard said as she leaned over the table "you're not missing on anything, if that's your concern"

"Good, we both know you can't handle anything serious without me"

"you know, I was quite capable before we've met" Shepard assured him as she bit her bottom lip, she was more aware to it now…She was interested, she wanted him, she missed him so damn much.

"How's Kaidan?" That voice asked, and that's when it killed her line of thought

"Fine" Shepard said lowly, watching him as she learned how to read him "Thought you'd care more about how Joker was doing, but if you really want, I can transfer the call to him so you two could catch up" she asked dryly, maybe a bit possessively

"Yeah, well…." Garrus eyed her "I think you know why I asked that" he said with bright eyes

Shepard exhaled shakily "Actually, I don't" she was too hopeful, fuck…She leaned over, feeling flustered and stupid, completely exposed as her heart beat so damn hard against her chest it was going to break out from her ribcage,

"Shepard, I-" Garrus started, but his focus was taken by someone entering his room, he exchanged a few words with them before he looked back at the screen "I'll call you back later, okay?"

Her heart dropped, but she nodded "Okay" she said softly, and then he was gone.

"Fuck" Shepard whispered and pushed her hair back, leaning back on the chair and letting her head fall back, frustrated.

Duty called as Joker announced that they were close, snapping her out of her thoughts, she had to gather all of her will power to get herself out of that chair and not to wait for him to return.

Reluctantly she walked out of her quarters with helmet in hand, she cursed as the ship was hit, throwing her to the side, alarms went off and the ship was lit in red, the crew panicking.

Shepard knew she had to keep her cool for the crew on board, putting her helmet on before Kaidan ran towards her "Shepard!" he called

Shepard didn't look back "Distress beacon is ready for launch" she turned around to face him

"Will the alliance be here on time?" Kaidan asked as he pulled on his own helmet on

"The alliance won't abandon us, we just have to hold on" Shepard said as she grabbed the distinguisher and started to put out the fire "get everyone to the escape shuttles" she threw a distinguisher to Kaida to help her out

"Joker is still on the cockpit, he won't evacuate" Kaidan said as he helped put out the fire "I'm not leaving either"

"I need you to get the crew on to the evac shuttles, I'll go get joker" she said as she made her way to the stairs, grunting as another hit made her hold onto the wires that came out of the ruined ceiling

"Shepard!" Kaidan argued

"Kaidan, go" she looked over him "Now" she demanded

"Aye aye" he said slowly before he ran towards the shuttles, helping whoever he could on before they were off of the ship

Shepard ran up the stairs and through the exposed bridge, making her way to the cockpit, reaching Joker's chair and grabbing on it as the pilot kept flying the ship "Joker, We have to go"

"No, I've got this" Joker assured her "I'm not leaving her"

Shepard cursed and grabbed onto his arm "Joker, it's over; the ship is already lost, we have to get out of here or we're going to get evaporated"

"Yeah, fine" Joker said finally and slowly got up, grunting as the commander yanked on him a bit too hard "Careful, you gonna break my arm" he complained

"Broken arm is better than what that ship is planning to do with us" Shepard gritted out as she carried Joker as fast as she could, another beam of yellow and orange was shot to the Normandy, she managed to shoved Joker into the shuttles, the other calling her and trying to reach for her, she tried to grab onto something, but she slipped, pushing the button so Joker could escape she knew it was over, she knew it was done for her as she wasn't able to grab onto anything, too late for her to escape.

Another beam, so close to her It was deafening and the Normandy exploded right in her face, sending her off to space, she felt like she was caught in white noise, exhaling shakily as she was completely alone, knitting her eyebrows as she could feel the air running thin in her helmet she tried to yank on the wires, her body stiffening, arching with the lack of air and the pressure in her helmet before she gave out, spacing till her body caught into the atmosphere and it made Its way to the frozen planet with what was left of the Normandy and the crew who didn't make it.


	3. Chapter 3 - Found and Lost

_Hey everyone!_

_Thanks for all of you for following/favoring/reviewing, makes me happy =)_

_This is the third chapter from Garrus's view of point, hope you enjoy!_

_BioWare owns this awesome game._

#

**Chapter 3 - Found and Lost**

Garrus couldn't describe his journey on the Normandy, what he had been through and the way he…Evolved; in many ways.

He joined as a C-sec officer who had been tired of the hypocritical protocols and the way the Alliance turned a blind eye to the crimes and unjust around the citadel, he was ambitious and reckless when it came to justice; he wouldn't think twice and choose the aggressive route.

Now? Now he didn't see just black and white, there was grey, and there was mercy, he had learned that.

He had learned that from the one person he admired the most, the woman he had met so many months ago, introducing himself when she was on her way to meet the council by person and he still had no idea how he had the balls to just demand her to make them listen, demand her to do something…He was lucky she didn't kick him in the quad.

When he first saw her she seemed small, compared to him she was short, petite and her hair moved gracefully with each step she took up the stairs, she held strength in her stance and the way she moved, bad habits die hard as he couldn't stop himself but scan her with bright eyes as he took her all in; dark brown hair reached her well defined jaw line, her skin pale and seemed soft, fragile, her lips red and full, they looked soft and filled with flesh, she seemed weak by appearance, but when his eyes met hers he could feel her fire and he knew that she wasn't as she seemed.

Garrus knew that after the war on the citadel was over, Saren and the Reaper were dead, they won't let them stay, and by them he meant himself, Liara, Tali and Wrex. But even though he had a hunch it didn't prepare him to the moment it was actually ordered, it made his stomach twist into a knot.

Packing the little he had brought on board, Garrus's mandibles twitched with anger, he didn't want to leave, it felt wrong…And…He shook his head as sinking into those thoughts made him mad.

Shepard, that's all he had in his head, they had gotten close throughout the mission, she came to visit him a lot, a lot more than he expected, he knew she had to get to know the crew so she could build trust…But the things he had told her, the way she had listened…

Her smile, her scent, her laugh…Her voice felt good, soothed him, the thought he won't be near her made him mad.

He was the last to leave and the room felt…odd, quiet, he didn't mind it. Ashley no longer at the far side of the room, judging them for what they were by nature and always watching them with suspicious eyes, he didn't like her, but it didn't mean he was glad she had died, he knew how much it affected Shepard.

Wrex, who used to be pacing around the room, he used to talk…A lot, and Wrex's voice is something you can't ignore, most of the times he didn't even answer the Krogan since he could never talk that much and Ashley made sure she didn't want anything to do with them so she was silent, though it didn't stop the Krogan to continue and talk to mostly himself.

Looking up with bright eyes, he had hoped she'd come down here, the words were out smoothly and he was taken aback that he managed to keep calm around her, though he knew he had to; she had enough crap to deal with.  
Shepard smiled at him; making his heart skip a beat, as she spoke he felt chills run under his plates. She led him up to the airlock, he tried to focus on her but the crew distracted him with their bids of goodbye, his heart racing as he knew his time with her was running out; he didn't want to go.

Garrus paused as they were in front of the airlock, grabbing her hand slowly and feeling the soft skin, his mandibles twitching, his nose taking in her scent…This felt wrong, he shouldn't be leaving her. "It was an honour…Shepard" he whispered her name, looking straight into her eyes

Shepard squeezed his hand, his heart raced "Mine too" she said softly "Try not to kill yourself" a slight smile; it didn't reach her eyes. Then the airlock opened, and it meant it was time to leave.

Garrus didn't want to go, he wanted to stall this, he wanted to stay here like that; by her side, but he had to let go of her "Shouldn't I be saying the same thing to you?" Then he slowly let her small hand go "Don't be a stranger, Shepard" he warned her as he walked out of the airlock

"I won't" Garrus looked back as her voice was honest, their eyes locked and he had to stop himself from going back in there "Goodbye, Garrus" she whispered before she was gone.

Watching the Normandy leave without him with Shepard on board was one of the hardest things he had done in his life.

_#An hour later#_

Garrus entered the apartment he owned on the citadel; how long has it been since he had been here? It was dark, dusty and it lacked some ventilation…It fit his gloomy mood.

Every bone in his body told him that leaving her was a mistake, that he won't….Get to see her again, but maybe he was just dramatic, maybe he was just out of his fucking mind.

A human? He had no fetish for humans, he wasn't attracted to them, they were too soft, weird looking…Who the fuck was he kidding? He dropped the bag and sat on the bed, palming his face "Fuck" he breathed out "I have a fetish for Shepard" he murmured to himself, and he chuckled lowly, what would she say if she knew? God, she'd castrate him.

Dropping back on the bed he looked up at the ceiling, thinking what was she doing now? Where was her next location? Will she have time…Other than the Alliance?

It wasn't easy, but Garrus waited a few days before he sent the first message, not wanting to seem desperate or…Suffocating, and he was thinking too much and it drove him crazy.  
He stared at those words he had written, he started working on it from the first day he had arrived and after a few glasses of Turian liquor of course.  
It was a nightmare; writing to her, trying to make it as appropriate as he could, whatever he was feeling he had to sort it out, and it was good he was away from her; he had come to the conclusion.

Shepard hypnotized him, with her fiery attitude, her gentle yet strong form and skills she held on the battle field, she was an artist, she was passion itself leading them, and all he wanted to do is grab; hold; claim. She enchanted him and it drove him mad. So he'd sit here…Think, think before he jumps into anything, think before he accepts the fact that he was…Attracted to her.  
Another shot of liquor, he rubbed his plated forehead and sighed, knowing that sitting down and staring at the screen, wanting her to replay, won't happen anytime soon. So instead of being completely useless he should be doing something to help her.

And he was thinking about the worst.

_#Garrus's decision#_

Oh yes, it was hell, as if C-sec wasn't enough he was taking part of the specter training.

But he knew he had to go through this, to have some influence around the citadel and make things moving for their sake, for Shepard's sake.

She wrote to him, he knew she would…sometime, but he didn't expect her to answer in such a short notice, she replayed to every message he had sent her, though her timing was awful; Every message she sent beeped through his omni-tool while he was in training, which meant that he'd lose his line of thought, lose focus on the fight/treadmill/programming and it would cause embarrassing events which including getting his ass kicked/falling off the treadmill/screw every calibration he had made. Yes, he was at the 'top' of the class. Fuck.

Garrus didn't care, when he was done for the day he got into his apartment, showered and went straight to it, reading her messages countless of times, cherishing them…Trying to imagine her speak, he was hopeless, but when he read through the last few words she had sent back his heart skipped a beat…

Shepard wanted to see him, speak to him instead of playing as pen-mates, he knew that it was nothing, to her they were friends, but it meant a lot to him that she'd make the time to fulfill his wishes.

They had tried to call each other many times but their timing was off, missing each other and eventually not getting to make that video call.

It frustrated him till he had decided to 'disappear' In the middle of the day and get into their rest quarters, sitting down on the bed and making the call.

Garrus didn't expect the call to go through, but as he saw the screen change from black to Shepard his heart raced, she smiled at him "Garrus!" the excitement in her voice, those bright eyes…God she was going to kill him.

His mandibles twitched as he tried to come up with something witty "Where you waiting there for the whole time?" he taunted her, unable to pass the chance, she shot back with a smirk and at that exact moment he felt how much he had missed her.

They spoke for a while, warming it up before he couldn't help but…"How's Kaidan?" he asked, that man…Was stuck like a bone in his throat. Shepard didn't like the sudden shift of topics, and he wondered if it's because she thought he had crossed the line or…Maybe things weren't going well between them…He hoped.

"Fine" Shepard said lowly, watching him with narrowed, beautiful bright eyes "Thought you'd care more about how Joker was doing, but if you really want, I can transfer the call to him so you two could catch up"

Oh yeah…Shepard wasn't happy, but he couldn't back down, he already opened it up…So he pushed "Yeah well…" Garrus said lowly as he leaned back on the wall "I think you know why I asked that" he whispered, making sure to capture her gaze, she was stunning…

"Actually, I don't" Shepard breathed, her voice soft….Fuck, she looked right at him, and she could never make anything easy…He loved it, and it encouraged him to keep going

"Shepard, I-" Before he Garrus the chance to continue, one of his teammates on the training warned him that they might be on to him and he had to move his ass out quick, he knew he had to wrap this up, they exchanged a few words before he turned back to Shepard "I'll call you back later, okay?" he asked softly, he didn't want to let her go.

It took every ounce of him not to throw everything to the can and leave the damned place, he got whitewashed by his commander, as if he was some kind of a newb, fuck he hated this place, his fingers twitching, aching to call her back, speak with her, it was more important than this, Shepard was more important than anything.

When he was finally out for the day he rushed to his apartment, away from everyone, from everything, he just wanted Shepard.

Sitting on the bed he tried to reach her, the line was dead, he frowned.

Walking around the room as he called her again, the line was dead, his heart started to race fast.

Taking a shot, he tried to connect again….The line was dead.

Garrus's mandibles stiffened with each try, trying to stay ignorant as he tried again and again, to the deep of the fake night of the citadel, his heart slowly ripping itself into pieces as he thought of the scenarios.

He shouldn't have left her.


End file.
